Screaming at Brett Anderson in a Field

That’s what I’ll be doing for the next five days. If that was a job spec, it would be possibly the best job description in the world. Just think of the anger you could expiate regarding “Positivity”.  As a teenager, I’d have left home to pursue that specific career; especially if my rota included Blur, Alanis Morisette and Alisha’s Attic. I was a truly terrible pubescent goth.
In the same way I’d be trying to work out what to take to the interview of ‘Muse/Harpy’ to the Rawk Royalty, I find myself no less baffled by what provisions to take to Standon Calling. ‘Luckily’ last year I wrote a handy list to remind me what to pack in 2016.

Festival Packing List:

  • Pjs (Harvey?)

  • Baby wipes (for all the babies I am also packing)

  • Face wipes

  • Dry shampoo

  • Contacts (Ocular as opposed to Emergency contacts. Though I have a reputation to uphold. It’s go to the medical treatment tent or go home.)

  • Eyebrows (Huh?! Do I leave my eyebrows casually lying around often? If you have them, please return asap.)

  • rucksack (ummm how else would I be carrying everything to the festival. Horrible visions of me turning up to Reading as a teenager with a family-size suitcase or plastic carrier bags.)

  • Tent (*slow clap*)

  • Meds (Will require second rucksack just for all the tablets. Sigh.)

  • Deo (or Neo.)

  • Costume

  • Pants (Again, do I regularly go anywhere without them?)

  • Sun tan lotion

  • Toilet paper (Festival equals gastric horror show. All that gluten.)

  • Hand santiser

  • Glasses (Surely I’d notice. Surely…)

  • Sun glasses

  • Lenses

  • Face paints (Festival necessity.)

  • Black plastic bags (So this would be to… Hide the bodies?)

  • Pillow

  • Converse

  • Flip flops

  • Insoles (I am actually an 85 year old woman with legs of differing length. You’re welcome.)

  • Big Mac (Snack or clothing. Be aafe pack both.)

  • Hoodie (Trip to New Addington to collect shortly.)

  • Friend pass (You need a pass for friends?! Why did I not know this. I’d buy 1000s of friends!)

  • Id (What about the ego?)

  • Ticket – bought – hidden in (that’s it. Where the fuck did I hide my ticket?)

  • Foot pump (actually traded-in. 2017, the year of the battery powered pump. I am a master of the Universe!)

  • Hammer/Mallet (Possibly the best or worst 80s musical convergence never to have existed.)

  • Fold up chairs x 3 (Yo momma so fat…)

  • Car rugs x 2 (Yo momma still so fat…)

  • Inflatable Mattress (I like sleep.)

  • Bed roll (I really like sleep and no one, not even a slow puncture will stop me.

  • Tooth brush

  • Tooth paste

  • Floss (Because dental hygiene never suffers at festival time.)

Note I don’t actually mention clothes or a sleeping bag. Because, well duh, that would be redundantly stating the obvious. Whereas listing pants and glasses is important as these items are easily forgotten by the casually short-sighted nudist.

In the end, I’ve packed shorts, t-shirts and a lobster costume. I am a truly terrible post-pubescent goth.

And now, the weather. Pray for me people.

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