Basically, after a hellaload of process, write something inspired by an object.
Amica enters in stripy blue and white pyjamas.
Hello! Or should that be ‘happy National Sleep Aware Day’? I’m Amica. Who is aware of sleeping? Anyone?
Audience put up their hands.
Job done. Now. Put your hand up if you have ever had that dream where you go to work in your pyjamas?
Audience put up their hands.
Put up your hands if you’ve ever had that dream where you go to work in your pyjamas but inexplicably find out it’s not a dream?
Audience put up their hands – there’s always one.
Put up your hands if you’ve ever had that dream where you go to work in your pyjamas but inexplicably find out it’s not a dream but you’re a motivational speaker, so it’s really public?
And it’s not a dream. It’s a nightmare.
So, to make this dream less awkward, I’m going to let it think that I think I’m still asleep and this is all a dream, make sense? No? That’s because it’s a dream muthafuckerrrrs. So. Welcome to my dream! Mind you my id has a lot to answer for if this is the best it can come up with. And you… what nightmare crevice did you escape from? Ah… god, you think my unconscious would be kinder wouldn’t it? I mean really. I can’t even dream that people are nice to me in my dreams. Their supposed to be fucking dreams?! I’m supposed to have a nice time you FUCKING ASSHOLES!
So it’s that kind of dream… where the audience turn out to really be a hostile but ideologically Utopian hoard of marshmallows and I get turned into Fluff when they attack the stage. Hmmmm… Marshmallows…
At that moment, giant marshmallows invade the stage. Amica doesn’t react as she initially gets squished between them before stepping forward. The Marshmallows fill the stage behind her.
See now you, dream population of my dream world, are confused because you think I am messing with your little dream minds. But this is a dream. Definitely a dream. Because no sane person would do this awake. I sure these aren’t even my pyjamas. I stole them off that hippo on the mattress hugging a duckling. Upsettingly snug.
But the reason I know this is a dream is because this alarm is going to go off in just under five minutes and then I’m going to wake up. Well I say wake up, I mean roll over, hit the snooze button and then over sleep by ten or eleven hours. It’s ok though because I work in the Fourth Sector. It’s like the Fourth dimension. The Fourth Dimension is an abstract concept derived by generalizing the rules of three-dimensional space. The Fourth sector is equally total bollocks. But the pay is really good. But the travel card for the extra dimension is a killer. And that fact you can only go widdershins around the crop circle line is a real drag. They say it was created by aliens but my boyfriend works for the TfL and he told me it was actually hippies with a bit of string and a paper cup. But hey! It’s never late. Well, as Sourhern Trains annonced the other day, the faster you go, the slower time moves so… So ergo the slower you go… See where I’m going with this. I mean it’s Einstein so who can argue with that. Well, Niels Bohr…
Pause for laugh. No one laughs
Tough crowds. Not to self – dream-motivational-speak less about obscure scientist.
I can see from your faces that you still don’t believe this is a dream. If it wasn’t a dream could I make this happen…?
Amica closes her eyes and screws up her face in concentration.
Bear with caller, nearly there.
Amica tries again, whole body straining with her act of will. Then is starts raining glitter and stars, with balloons.
See, I told you. This is just my brain processing life. I control it. You are all in my mind. Mind you, I wasn’t aware I’d had that bad-a day. I mean you… Awwwwwww… Bless… It’s a good job for you that you don’t exist isn’t it? Because that would be awkward. If this was a real life motivational session I’d be spouting some gubbins about seizing life and carrying you’re own weight, but that would be a struggle for some of fat bastards you. Mega lolz. I’d be telling you that the greatest love is to love yourself. Know why? Because no one else is ever going to love any of you pathetic assholes. Finally, I’d have you all standing up hands in the air saying: “A light shines Inside me. A light shines inside me.” And you’d all be crying and thanking me – “thank you Amica!” And I would send you out £50 lighter but not a penny happier or thinner or prettier. Ha. Dream people, your real life counterparts are totally brainless idiots and you should be glad you aren’t them. So still don’t believe me, about the dream thing? This is a dream and if you pinch me it won’t hurt. Because it’s a dream. Go on. Pinch me.
Amica gets pinched.
Ah, fuck me. I mean. Aaaaaaaawwwwwww ouch. Fuck me. Who are you?! You look like shit, but ah fuck me. Amica, you total, utter Snool. Alarm goes off… I wake up… Except I don’t.