SCENE ONE

DARKNESS.

BLUE LIGHT UP ON JUST ON BLACK MAMBA’S (RICKY’S) FACE, AS IF HE IS LIT BY A SCREEN. HE IS WEARING GREEN SHADES AND AN EAR PIECE. HE APPEARS TO BE HOLDING A GUN TO HIS FACE. AS EACH CHARACTER JOINS THE CONVERSATION THEIR FACES ARE SIMILARLY LIT. UNDER ALL THIS IS TENSE REPETITIVE SOUNDSCAPE/SOUNDTRACK SUITABLE FOR A HORROR COMPUTER GAME (THINK SILENT HILL OR RESIDENT EVIL).

Black Mamba: This is Black Mamba to Blue Leader. Black Mamba to Blue Leader. Come in Blue Leader. Do you copy? I repeat, do you copy.

PAUSE. THEN RADIO CRACKLE.

Blue Leader: Black Mamba. This is Blue Leader. Location.

Black Mamba: Red Quadrant, Blue Leader. Behind Enemy lines.

Blue Leader: Goddam you, Black Mamba. I told you/

Black Mamba: Blue Leader… I’m going in alone/

Blue Leader: No, Black Mamba, this is madness, I demand that you/

Black Mamba: I’ve been hit badly, Blue… Really badly… I don’t think I can/

Blue Leader: Don’t talk that way, dammit, after all we’ve been through. I won’t let
you/

Black Mamba: Tell the boys I’m sorry… I couldn’t hold out longer…

Ground_Zorro: We can hear you bro…

Ninja Kevin: Me too dickhead… I can hear all your pussy whining…

Black Mamba: Blue Leader… Ground_Zorro… Ninja Kevin… It’s been really
good…

Ninja Kevin: Fuck you, dickhead…

Blue Leader: What are you going to do?

Black Mamba: There are fourteen around me. Two Big Babies, three little
Misses and the rest are your bog standard throat biters. (Beat.) I’m going to perform a whirligig.

Blue Leader: You fool. That’s suicide/

Ground_Zorro: You’ll never survive/

Black Mamba: My health bar is dropping. By the time you guys get to me I’ll be gone. I may as well go in a blaze of glory…

IN SLOW MOTION, RICKY/BLACK MAMBA LIFTS HIS GUN. AS HIS DOES SO LIGHTS COME UP TO REVEALS ALL THE GUYS ARE EITHER HOLDING CONTROLLERS FOR CONSOLES OR FAKE GUNS. GROUND_ZORRO IS A WELL BUILT SCANDINAVIAN BLONDE GUY. BLUE LEADER IS A MASSIVELY OVERWEIGHT AMERICAN WITH BAD FACIAL HAIR AND AN ILL-FITTING, STAINED FAN-BOY T-SHIRT FOR SOME VINTAGE COMPUTER GAME. NINJA KEVIN IS A KOREAN GUY WHO PLAYS IN AN ALL NIGHT CAFE. YOU CAN SEE HIS BELLY BUTTON. ALL ARE AT HOME LOOKING AT THEIR SCREENS AND PLAYING THE GAME, VIA THE INTERNET. IN SILENT SLOW MOTION, THEY ALL REACT TO BLACK MAMBA’S MANOEUVRE. OVER THE TOP OF ALL THIS, SFX OF A COMPUTER GAME; GRRRING, GRUNTING ZOMBIE SOUNDS, LITTLE GIRL LAUGHING SOUNDS CRAZY LOUD GUNFIRE, SCREAMING-MAN-BEING-EATEN-BY-ZOMBIE-NOISES. LIGHTS UP MORE ON BLACK MAMBA, THERE ARE ZOMBIES CROWDING IN ON HIM. HE IS SPINNING ROUND AND ROUND ‘SHOOTING’ HIS GUN. SOME ZOMBIES COLLAPSE OR HAVE BITS SHOT OFF THEM BUT THEY STILL COME. EVENTUALLY THEY ARE ON HIM. THEY BEGIN TO RIP HIM TO PIECES. BLACK OUT.

THE WORKS ‘GAMEOVER’ FLASH UP .

LIGHTS SLOWLY UP ON EVERYONE UNDER THE FOLLOWING:

Ninja Kevin (ON HIS FEET, SHOUTING AT THE SCREEN): Mother-fucker!

Blue Leader: What was all that about? All the sodding heroics? You took us all out. Not cool man, not cool.

Ground_Zorro: To be fair, Black Mamba wasn’t to know this would happen. We’ve been playing for 157 hours and 18 minutes and no one took a hit.

Black Mamba (SITTING BACK IN FRONT OF HIS COMPUTER AS IF NOTHING HAD HAPPENED): How come we’re not dead? Kids in Korea die all the time.

Ninja Kevin: Fuck you.

Ground_Zorro: Kids in Korea don’t have so much to live off, eh Kev?

Ninja Kevin: Fuck off, you utter fuck! Fuck you all.

Blue Leader: Did anyone besides me actually read the rules…?

SILENCE.

Blue Leader: For god’s sake man, one KO and the whole team goes out!

Ninja Kevin: Awwww, for fuck’s sake.

Ground_Zorro: *swears in Scandinavian* Horunge! (Son of a bitch)