*It’s not great which is probably why I didn’t even place 🙂 Also, apologies for swearing..

 

Scene

A central London Underground Station (Tottenham Court Road), Night; long after the last train has left the station

Lights up.

Mark is sitting on the rail.  Dennis is standing, pasting the stripped-back board in preparation for a new ad.

Silence.

Mark groans.

Pause.

Mark groans again.

Pause.

Mark groans again.

Dennis (40s, earthy)

Will you shut the fuck up

Mark (20s, wide-boy)

I’m ill

Dennis

Then fuck off home

That’s what you usually do

Usually you show your face, throw up and fuck off home

Mark

I’m a sickly person

Dennis

Sickly

You’re a fucking twat

Three months you been doing this and three months you turn up, throw up and fuck off home

What was it last night

Mark

Saturday

Dennis

No you pill

What did you get up to

Beat.

Dennis

Well

Mark

Bit o this

Bit o that

Dennis

Yeah yeah I know

Bit o the other

How much you take

Mark

Not much

Dennis

How much you drink

Mark

Not much

Was busy

Dennis

My arse

You look like shit

Mark

Ta

Dennis

You should do what me and the missus do

Sit at home

Watch telly

Try to vote for the bird with the least on

End up voting for the fifteen year-old the old lady thinks is cute

Mark

God

Dennis

You do know they test don’t ya

You do know they will piss on you soon as look if they find out

Mark

Yeah

Dennis

Then don’t go fuck yourself when you know you got work

Mark

I snowed it

It’ll be fine

Dennis

Just don’t come crying to me when they kick you out on your arse

Mark

I won’t

Dennis

Good

Mark

God

You’re like my fucking dad you know that

Dennis

Is he a handsome, mature male who also happens to be hung like a donkey

Mark

He’s a balding, middle aged old git who hasn’t got his end away for the best part of a decade

Dennis

No similarity whatsoever then

Pause.

Mark

Who did you vote for last night then

Dennis

The bird with the least on

Maggie was out

Bingo

She’s never shown any interest in bingo her whole fucking life

Silence.

Dennis

I think Maggie is having an affair

Mark

Mags

Who’d fuck her

Dennis

Oi

That’s my missus you’re talking about

Mark

Nah

I mean she’s nice enough don’t get me wrong

Like she is a lovely lady en all but

Well

Like when I first met her

You know when you took me home for breakfast that first night

Well

She’s prickly as fuck

Thought she was going to piss on me bacon or something

I mean

Well

You’d never get to know her

If you didn’t know her you know

Dennis

Yeah

Mark

It’s with some girls from the shop am I right

Dennis

That’s what she said

Mark

Well then

Dennis

But she’s so fucking happy

Over a quarter of a century of being married to Victor bloody Meldrew in tights and then she fucking starts singing round the house and buying herself flowers and wearing fucking make up

Last time she wore make up was Lady Di’s funeral

Even then we were only watching it on the telly

Mark

Maybe it’s just her

Time

You know what I mean

Dennis

Maybe

Mark

Mark my words

Quick trip to a Quack and she’ll be right as rain bruv

Dennis

Maybe

Silence.

The head falls off Dennis’s paste brush.

Dennis

Arse