*It’s not great which is probably why I didn’t even place 🙂 Also, apologies for swearing..
Scene
A central London Underground Station (Tottenham Court Road), Night; long after the last train has left the station
Lights up.
Mark is sitting on the rail. Dennis is standing, pasting the stripped-back board in preparation for a new ad.
Silence.
Mark groans.
Pause.
Mark groans again.
Pause.
Mark groans again.
Dennis (40s, earthy)
Will you shut the fuck up
Mark (20s, wide-boy)
I’m ill
Dennis
Then fuck off home
That’s what you usually do
Usually you show your face, throw up and fuck off home
Mark
I’m a sickly person
Dennis
Sickly
You’re a fucking twat
Three months you been doing this and three months you turn up, throw up and fuck off home
What was it last night
Mark
Saturday
Dennis
No you pill
What did you get up to
Beat.
Dennis
Well
Mark
Bit o this
Bit o that
Dennis
Yeah yeah I know
Bit o the other
How much you take
Mark
Not much
Dennis
How much you drink
Mark
Not much
Was busy
Dennis
My arse
You look like shit
Mark
Ta
Dennis
You should do what me and the missus do
Sit at home
Watch telly
Try to vote for the bird with the least on
End up voting for the fifteen year-old the old lady thinks is cute
Mark
God
Dennis
You do know they test don’t ya
You do know they will piss on you soon as look if they find out
Mark
Yeah
Dennis
Then don’t go fuck yourself when you know you got work
Mark
I snowed it
It’ll be fine
Dennis
Just don’t come crying to me when they kick you out on your arse
Mark
I won’t
Dennis
Good
Mark
God
You’re like my fucking dad you know that
Dennis
Is he a handsome, mature male who also happens to be hung like a donkey
Mark
He’s a balding, middle aged old git who hasn’t got his end away for the best part of a decade
Dennis
No similarity whatsoever then
Pause.
Mark
Who did you vote for last night then
Dennis
The bird with the least on
Maggie was out
Bingo
She’s never shown any interest in bingo her whole fucking life
Silence.
Dennis
I think Maggie is having an affair
Mark
Mags
Who’d fuck her
Dennis
Oi
That’s my missus you’re talking about
Mark
Nah
I mean she’s nice enough don’t get me wrong
Like she is a lovely lady en all but
Well
Like when I first met her
You know when you took me home for breakfast that first night
Well
She’s prickly as fuck
Thought she was going to piss on me bacon or something
I mean
Well
You’d never get to know her
If you didn’t know her you know
Dennis
Yeah
Mark
It’s with some girls from the shop am I right
Dennis
That’s what she said
Mark
Well then
Dennis
But she’s so fucking happy
Over a quarter of a century of being married to Victor bloody Meldrew in tights and then she fucking starts singing round the house and buying herself flowers and wearing fucking make up
Last time she wore make up was Lady Di’s funeral
Even then we were only watching it on the telly
Mark
Maybe it’s just her
Time
You know what I mean
Dennis
Maybe
Mark
Mark my words
Quick trip to a Quack and she’ll be right as rain bruv
Dennis
Maybe
Silence.
The head falls off Dennis’s paste brush.
Dennis
Arse
