CAST

 

Director

Al Pacino           –    Cat Slater 1

Audrey Hepburn      –    Cat Slater 2

Bette Davis         –    Cat Slater 3

Charles Chaplin     –    Cat Slater 4

Daniel Day-Lewis    –    Cat Slater 5

Elizabeth Taylor    –    Cat Slater 6

Greer Garson        –    Cat Slater 7

Ian McKellen        –    Cat Slater 8

Ingrid Bergman      –    Cat Slater 9

Jack Lemmon         –    Cat Slater 10

Jack Nicholson      –    Cat Slater 11

James Stewart       –    Cat Slater 12

Jane Fonda          –    Cat Slater 13

Joan Crawford       –    Cat Slater 14

Joan Fontaine       –    Cat Slater 15

Judi Dench          –    Cat Slater 16

Judy Garland        –    Cat Slater 17

Katharine Hepburn   –    Cat Slater 18

Kermit the Frog     –    Cat Slater 19

Laurence Olivier    –    Cat Slater 20

Marilyn Monroe      –    Cat Slater 21

Marlon Brando       –    Cat Slater 22

Meryl Streep        –    Cat Slater 23

Peter Sellers       –    Cat Slater 24

Robert De Niro      –    Cat Slater 25

Robin Williams      –    Cat Slater 26

Sissy Spacek        –    Cat Slater 27

Tom Hanks           –    Cat Slater 28

Vivien Leigh        –    Cat Slater 29

 

 

 

 

notes:

Each actor gets up in character, delivers their line, accept the applause and sits down. This must be down totally in character. Marilyn might wink or blow a kiss. Charlie Chaplin does a prat fall. Etc, etc. This must be found in rehearsal and each actor must be clearly different, even if their line is the same as another actors.

 

 

 

lights fade up:

A stage with a row of 29 chairs and a microphone center. The twenty-nine walk on and take their seats. They are chatting to each other. They all carry scripts.

Director enters. Goes and stands in front of the mic. A small applause, couple of cheers and a whoop.

Director

You are really too kind. I am just thinking to tell you a big thank you for being here tonight.

Applause.

Director

It is big night for me and my family, to be joined here to celebrate my release from imprisonment in my country. Joined here tonight, by my famous friends and supporters.

Applause.

Director

I am proud to present my new work. Written while I was incarcerated with only the BBC for company. It’s a heart felt exploration of the human condition and also, I believe really discusses the political trouble in my home land. Ladies and gentleman, I give you my latest piece, ‘Twenty-Nine Play Slater’.

Applause. Director bows and exits.

Stands up. Audience applause. Walks to microphone. Gets script to right page. Delivers line.

Al Pacino

Not all models look like Brad Pitt. But none of them look like Homer Simpson.

Applause. Goes and sits back down.

Stands up. Audience applause. Walks to microphone. Gets script to right page. Delivers line.

Audrey Hepburn

You’ll be lucky. Slower than treacle.

Applause. Goes and sits back down.

Stands up. Audience applause. Walks to microphone. Gets script to right page. Delivers line.

Bette Davis

You like breakfast in bed? In that case you gotta sleep in the kitchen.

Applause. Goes and sits back down.

Stands up. Audience applause. Walks to microphone. Gets script to right page. Delivers line.

Charles Chaplin

[Pulls a Kat Slater face.]

Applause. Goes and sits back down.

Stands up. Audience applause. Walks to microphone. Gets script to right page. Delivers line.

Daniel Day-Lewis

Alfie.

Applause. Goes and sits back down.

Stands up. Audience applause. Walks to microphone. Gets script to right page. Delivers line.

Elizabeth Taylor

Get outta my pub.

Applause. Goes and sits back down.

Stands up. Audience applause. Walks to microphone. Gets script to right page. Delivers line.

GRETA GARBO

Do they take plastic? Why? You gonna get your boobs out.

Applause. Goes and sits back down.

Stands up. Audience applause. Walks to microphone. Gets script to right page. Delivers line.

Ian McKellen

Zoe, Den’s gone off somewhere and died but I didn’t bother going with him, or saying anything, because I’ve got a pub to run.

Applause. Goes and sits back down.

Stands up. Audience applause. Walks to microphone. Gets script to right page. Delivers line.

Ingrid Bergman

Get lost Gary.

Applause. Goes and sits back down.

Stands up. Audience applause. Walks to microphone. Gets script to right page. Delivers line.

Jack Lemmon

Was that before or after he hit ya?

Applause. Goes and sits back down.

Stands up. Audience applause. Walks to microphone. Gets script to right page. Delivers line.

Jack Nicholson

Character Name]

Applause. Goes and sits back down.

Stands up. Audience applause. Walks to microphone. Gets script to right page. Delivers line.

James Stewart

Shame it’s some other woman having your husband’s baby.

Applause. Goes and sits back down.

Stands up. Audience applause. Walks to microphone. Gets script to right page. Delivers line.

Jane Fonda

Aww. They’re a bit sour for grapes, ent they?

Applause. Goes and sits back down.

Stands up. Audience applause. Walks to microphone. Gets script to right page. Delivers line.

Joan Crawford

What? In the ideal world? You floating in the canal.

Applause. Goes and sits back down.

Stands up. Audience applause. Walks to microphone. Gets script to right page. Delivers line.

Joan Fontaine

Aww, you don’t believe in tea leaves, do you Mo?

Applause. Goes and sits back down.

Stands up. Audience applause. Walks to microphone. Gets script to right page. Delivers line.

Judi Dench

Ya must have expected something? [Throws bottle of vodka.] Weren’t expecting that, was ya?

Applause. Goes and sits back down.

Stands up. Audience applause. Walks to microphone. Gets script to right page. Delivers line.

Judy Garland

Yeah. And I’m mother Kathleen leading my fellow nun’s in prayer.

Applause. Goes and sits back down.

Stands up. Audience applause. Walks to microphone. Gets script to right page. Delivers line.

Katharine Hepburn

Nah, That’s true. Shame Lean’s told me what you’re like in bed.

Applause. Goes and sits back down.

Stands up. Audience applause. Walks to microphone. Gets script to right page. Delivers line.

Kermit the Frog

‘ate you? No. I just think you’re a fat old perv.

Applause. Goes and sits back down.

Stands up. Audience applause. Walks to microphone. Gets script to right page. Delivers line.

Laurence Olivier

[Sarcastic] What? You mean I ain’t your special little girl any more.

Applause. Goes and sits back down.

Stands up. Audience applause. Walks to microphone. Gets script to right page. Delivers line.

Marilyn Monroe

You got me pregnant.

Applause. Goes and sits back down.

Stands up. Audience applause. Walks to microphone. Gets script to right page. Delivers line.

Marlon Brando

Alfie.

Applause. Goes and sits back down.

Stands up. Audience applause. Walks to microphone. Gets script to right page. Delivers line.

Meryl Streep

Alfie!

Applause. Goes and sits back down.

Stands up. Audience applause. Walks to microphone. Gets script to right page. Delivers line.

Peter Sellers

Coq au vin? I thought that was sex in a lorry.

Applause. Goes and sits back down.

Stands up. Audience applause. Walks to microphone. Gets script to right page. Delivers line.

Robert De Niro

I love you. Alfie Moon.

Applause. Goes and sits back down.

Stands up. Audience applause. Walks to microphone. Gets script to right page. Delivers line.

Robin Williams

You ain’t pregnant are you?

Applause. Goes and sits back down.

Stands up. Audience applause. Walks to microphone. Gets script to right page. Delivers line.

Sissy Spacek

Well, then, give them back to her!

Applause. Goes and sits back down.

Stands up. Audience applause. Walks to microphone. Gets script to right page. Delivers line.

Tom Hanks

I had a great-aunt once, she spent 50 years on the throne.

Applause. Goes and sits back down.

Stands up. Audience applause. Walks to microphone. Gets script to right page. Delivers line.

Vivien Leigh

[Screaming] YES I AM!

Applause. Goes and sits back down.

Blackout.

Applause and cheering from audience builds. Lights face back up. Actors stand up, takes hands, move forward and bow. They signal for director, who walks back on to the middle and bows. Director joins hands with the actors again. They all bow together. Bit of waving and off.

blackOut:

The End