Dear humans

I would like to date

One day even find a mate

Like a prairie vole

(No, not small and hairy –

I mean for life – yep, I know; scary.)

But there’s things in life I cannot do

Even, oh-perfect-one, for you:

I won’t make your life better – just augment what’s great

I can’t make you like yourself – haters gonna hate

I can’t make you thinner or more attractive,

Grow your hair back, be more active

Get you more friends or that promotion at work

I’m not a Muse or here to amuse

I don’t expect you to arrive unscathed –

We’re all broken biscuits in the broken biscuit barrel of a great cosmic Poundland

I can’t buttercream those cracks*

And put the pieces back together

You’ll just have to stay crumbled

But that’s fine, we can be crumbly together

With that in mind, a few requests:

I won’t: wait for you to make up your mind, stay at home, have dinner ready when you get in, desert my friends, cancel my plans, neglect my family, give up my job, wait for you before finishing a box set, deal well with lying, sacrifice my ambition, indulge in false modesty to make you feel less inferior, be “maternal” *barf*, give up smoking or chocolate milk, change anything about the way I look because you ask me to, update my relationship status on Facebook – I don’t use Facebook, remember out-of-context quotes from films, TV or songs without you having to explain them to me, keep an eye out for something better, have you as my iPhone wallpaper, shave, tidy my room, cheat or lie or get jealous, suffer fools gladly, put ‘xxxxx’ at the end of a message, give your life meaning, offend your parents, be mansplained to, leave London even though it makes good economic sense, change my atheism, change my body shape, change a diaper, change my respect for science, do PDAs, be your therapist, be anything like your last girlfriend/boyfriend unless they were awesome!

I will: keep telling you I am awesome, sometimes tell you you’re awesome, get excited by Christmas/birthdays/Halloween/Bonfire nights/Disney, use horrible metaphors (see all this blog,) fall over a lot for no reason, invite you to cool weirdness, turn up to cool weirdness you invite me to, call a spade a spade, work late, sometime flake, regularly change everything about the way I look because, fill up my diary weeks in advance, beat you at Scrabble, wander off at parties and talk to complete strangers, insist on paying for everything – please feel free to stop me – at least let’s split the bills, promote benign innuendo (no, in your end-o, said the actress to the bishop,) stockpile unread books and magazines for when I am less busy, wait for you to tell me what’s wrong, over-spend on presents, deal badly with nice surprises (while being secretly delighted,) take compliments badly (while being secretly delighted,) get frustrated, probably get drunk and need rescuing at least once in the time you know me, drive you to Ikea, be happy and cry, be sad and cry, be angry and cry, go quiet while I work out what to say and probably cry, get irritated if you call me babe x hun x sexy x darling x sweetheart x, call you babe x hun x sexy x darling x sweetheart x but ironically,  misuse the word ironically, talk about feminism or politics or the weather or Trump, have times where I want to be alone, have times where I want to be with you, have times where I want to be with everybody for ever in one big hippie love-in, sing in the shower, set my mind to something and do it, be supportive when you set your mind to something and do it, talk about changing the world, try to change the world, fail, change my mind, die.

But above and beyond all that stuff, I can promise you, I’m actually generally good fun and come complete with a five year warranty.

In short, I love my life

I like people who love their lives

Together we zip up like a hoodie in a hail storm

Not really equipped to deal but notionally cosy and willing to give it a bloody good go

If any of the doesn’t sound too awful then please apply within

Free drink for the first five applicants

T&Cs apply

If not, well then sod the lot of you

*cue disturbing mental images lol