#28DaysLater: Day 14 – “Funny Bones”

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Note to self… I think there may actually be something in the ‘bare bones’ lolol (you will get this more when you read the challenge) of this story. I don’t have the time or the energy to develop this more for the purposes of the challenge but maybe something in it once this is all over… Any thoughts from peoples massively welcome. Helpful comments appreciated 😉

Challenge for today:

Write a play that is inspired by a specific bone or muscle or ligament or something about the body. Extra challenge if you can make it ‘gut-wrenching’ and not about death, illness or decay.

Cast:

Katie

Judy Graham-Swallows

Fanny Bone

Sid

Rogan Joss

 

The Play

 

Scene 1:

A makeshift stage with a mic rigged up. A spotlight. A foil shimmer curtain.

Katie get’s up on stage, with a keyboard. She sets it up, trying desperately to cover with small talk.

Someone in the audience coughs. Katie laughs nervously.

Katie has got the keyboard set up and tests it by playing the demo.

Katie:               Good. Ummmmm, hi, I am umm Katie and I am here to tell you some jokes and play some comedy songs. Yay.

Voice Off:         Get on with it.

Katie:               Yay. Yeah. Great idea. Why did Spock, from Star Trek, paint his willy fluorescent yellow…?

Pause. Audience coughs.

Katie:               Because he wanted to boldly glow where no man have glown before.

Katie presses a drum key on her keyboard. One laugh from the back of the audience.

Katie:               Ok. And now a song.

Katie presses a sample button on the keyboard and starts playing badly.

Katie:               I fear kefir.

I fear kefir.

But does kefir fear me?

Unlikely.

Yeah.

Katie stops playing and looks around.

Katie:               I will give you time to DIGEST that.

Katie presses a drum key on her keyboard. Pause.

Katie:               Because kefir helps with IBS… Ok… I thought I’d try out some new material. My skirt is bri-nylon and my jumper is 100% polyester.

Katie presses a drum key on her keyboard. Sid marches on stage and takes the mic.

Sid:                  And thank you for the whimsical styling of Katie Cox!

Voice off:          Cox sucks.

Sid:                  Thanks mum.

Audience laugh. Katie drags her keyboard off stage as quietly and slowly as possible. Naturally the result of this effort is neither quiet or subtle.

Sid:                  Need any help there?

Voice off:          Taxi for one?

Sid:                  Easy. This is a friendly supportive night. Writing jokes is like having a baby. Some labours are more difficult than others.

Voice off:          Well hers were still born.

Sid:                  Easy now. Not in the age of ‘Me Too.’

Katie falls off stage with keyboard. Huge laugh from the audience.

Sid:                  And Katie has got the biggest laugh of the night. Round of applause for Katie.

Audience give Katie a round of applause.

Blackout.

Scene 2:

Katie’s bedroom. Covered in comedy posters, motivational quotes and note cards with jokes. Katie is talking to her elbow. Her elbow is answering her back.

Katie:               No.

Fanny:              Please.

Katie:               I said no.

Fanny:              And no means no.

Katie:               Yes.

Fanny:              Hooray! You said yes.

Katie:               No. I mean no.

Fanny:              But you said yes.

Katie:               You tricked me.

Fanny:              Because I am your significantly better 100th.

Katie sighs.

Fanny:              Ok, you want to be a comedian right?

Katie:               Yes.

Fanny:              So, tomorrow night, introduce yourself as Fanny Bone. Let me do the set. Can’t be worse than tonight can it?

Katie:               I guess. But won’t they lock me away. For having a talking elbow? Or send me off for medical testing.

Fanny:              At an amateur comedy night in Stoke Newington? Unlikely. There was a man wearing a fish head tonight. Killed it.

Katie:               He really was a gilly pleasure…!

Pause.

Fanny:              So that’s a yes then?

Katie:               Yes.

Blackout.

Scene 3:

A makeshift stage with a mic rigged up. A spotlight. A foil shimmer curtain.

Sid is on stage comparing.

Sid:                  And that’s when I used the mango body butter.

Huge laugh from audience.

Sid:                  You’re too kind. Now continue to be kind for one of our newer act Katie Co-

Katie comes on stage, and whispers in Sid’s ear. She has one sleeve rolled up.

Sid:                  Welcome to the stage, an even newer act, Fanny Bone!

Katie walks up to the mic and holds up her elbow.

Fanny:              So, I’m Fanny Bone, and I’m an elbow. You will notice that I’m the right elbow, well the right elbow for you – hello sexy. If I had eyes I’d be winking at you now but your gonna have to make do with knowing that I’m hard. Wanna feel how hard my bone is for you? Or do you not bend that way? Fair enough. People keep asking me if I am a criminal but I say no mannnn… I ain’t no crook… I’m an elbow. Now, I was thinking the other day, if the outside of your elbow is call the ‘wenis’… why isn’t the inside of your elbos called the ‘wagina’. Handsome, you wanna put your ‘wenis’ in my ‘wagina’? I used to date a left elbow, but after we split I decided to give him a wide radius. Ladies and gentleman, you’ve been lovely, I’ve been humerus. Good night!

Huge applause. Sid comes on and high fives the elbow.

Sid:                  Laughter lovers, give it up one more time for Fanny Bones.

More applause. Even a few cheers and ‘whoops’.

Katie leaves the stage. She stands at the side. In the background we can hear Sid winding the audience down for the evening. Judy Graham-Swallows enters. She is gaudily dressed.

Judy:                Which is you is Fanny Bone?

Katie:               Fanny is my elbow.

Judy:                Darling, I simply have to talk to her.

Katie:               She is me. Sort of.

Judy:                Is she though?

Katie:               Yes.

Judy:                Is she though?

Katie:               Yes.

Judy:                Is she though?

Katie:               For god’s sake.

Katie rolls up her sleeve.

Judy:                Darling. You were just. Just. Sublime.

Fanny:              Wicked. Yeah. Thanks.

Judy:                No thank you. I’m mean, you are what we are looking for to shake up comedy.

Fanny:              Ace, thanks!

Judy:                So I’m Judy Graham-Swallows of Graham-Swallows management.

Fanny:              You reputation precedes you. Know what I mean.

Judy:                What? Oh I see. (Judy Brays with laughter) Simply to hillarie.

Fanny and Judy both laugh.

Judy:                I loves, loves, loves, loves loves. So I’m seeing Beeb radio show-

Katie:               Radio for an elbow-

Judy:                National tour – b venues, you know Buxton Opera House and that kind of malarkey – keep it small –

Katie:               Small?

Judy:                Look, doll, why don’t you ditch the Debbie downer-

Katie:               Katie, I’m Katie.

Judy:                We could hit the Groucho. Have a couple of cocks-

Fanny:              Not on a first date-

Judy:                What? Oh. Belle hillaire!

Judy laughs again.

Katie:               I’m afraid it’s my elbow. So you know…

Judy:                Ok grumpy guts you can come.

Fanny:              She could do with a couple of cocks in her.

Judy laughs.

Judy:                Darling, you and me will get on just fine.

Scene 4:

A theatrical montage of light, sound and Katie looking increasingly tired.

Katie feeding her elbow a martini while Judy laughs like a harridan.

Katie holding a script while Fanny reads into a mic. There is a lit live sign in the background.

Loads of audience laughter then applause.

Katie holding fanny up in front of a procession of different microphones. With every new mic the laughter and the applause get louder until they are defining.

Katie crumples. She has her hands pressed over her ears. The spotlight closes in tight on Katie.

Fanny can be heard nagging her quietly to get up so she can take a bow.

Spot opens up to reveal that Katie is now on a couch. Rogan Joss is behind a desk talking to an imaginery camera. A sound man is mic’ing up Katie’s sleeve.

Rogan:             Hello! And welcome to Tonight with me Wogan Joss. And tonight, ouw fiwst vewy special guest, at the end of hew national touw is Fanny Bone. You may know hew fwom hew stonking wadio sewies, Fanny Bone Gets the Elbow, but I have to say Fanny, I caught last night’s Woyal Albewt Hall pewfowmance, and I have to say, I wanged myself. All ovew the queen. Who was also wanging hewself in the Woyal Box.

Fanny:              Well, Rogan, everyone wants to be wanged in the Royal Box.

Rogan:             It must be a dweam come twue for her madge.

Fanny:              And probably for Phillip too.

Rogan:             Vewy twue. But in all seriousness, how has the last 12 months been.

Fanny:              Magical. Absolutely magical. I mean, I was just an unknown elbow and then one night at an amateur comedy club, picked out the crowd by the legend that is Judy Graham-Swallows

Rogan:             Hew weputation pwoceeds her.

Fanny:              Ha, ha, ha, she loves that part of my sellout tour, Fanny’s Funny Bone-

Rogan:             Coming soon to DVD and Netflix-

Fanny:              Thanks Rogan.

Rogan:             There’s nothing like a good plug-

Fanny:              And that was nothing like a good plug!

Rogan:             And did you never have any doubts? Did nothing ever hold you back.

Fanny:              Well, one thing…

Rogan:             Really? But you seem so unemcumbered-

Katie:               Me. She means me.

Rogan:             Oh hello. I didn’t see you there. Who are you?

Katie:               Katie. I’m Katie Cox.

Rogan:             And are you part of the double act?

Katie:               No. There’s not a lot of room with that ego-

Audience reacts. Someone boos.

Rogan:             Well, it must be hard to be the support act to someone like Fanny.

Katie:               Fanny is my elbow. She’s my fucking elbow.

Fanny:              Honestly Rogan. If there was a way to cut her off without losing all circulation, I’d have done it years ago.

Audience laughs.

Katie:               Why is that funny? That’s not even funny.

Rogan:             Well, we’re going to leave it there. Fanny if you can stay on the sofa that would be great. Katie. Yes well. Anyway- and next we have-

Lights fade down. Spot pin points Katie.

Katie:               This is a nightmare.

Fanny:              Yes. Yes it is.

Katie:               This is not what I wanted.

Fanny:              What about what I wanted?

Katie:               You are my elbow! You don’t get a bucket list.

Fanny:              You are nothing without me. Hear me. Nothing.

Katie:               You know what. I’m fine with that.

Katie pulls out a knife. A really big cleaver style knife.

Fanny:              What’s that?

Katie:               You’re an old hack, surely you should know?

Fanny:              Look, we should really talk about this?

Katie:               Why? You’ve been offering me severance for months.

Fanny:              Look you made a joke. Ha ha ha. Well done.

Katie:               Too little, too late. I think it’s time I split this joint!

Katie brings down the cleaver on her arm. She hacks away. Both Fanny and Katie scream. Loads of blood sprays everywhere. Finally, the arm comes away in a spray of blood. Katie holds it up victoriously. The arm is limp.

Blackout.

Scene 4:

A makeshift stage with a mic rigged up. A spotlight. A foil shimmer curtain.

Katie gets up on stage, with a keyboard. She sets it up, trying desperately to cover with small talk. It’s taking ages due to the fact she now only has one arm.

Someone in the audience coughs. Katie laughs nervously.

Katie has got the keyboard set up and tests it by playing the demo.

Katie:               Good. Ummmmm, hi, I am umm Katie and I am here to tell you some jokes and play some comedy songs. Yay.

Voice Off:         Fanny killer.

Katie:               Well, that heckle certainly disarmed me.

Katie presses a drum key on her keyboard. Pause.

Katie:               I took my Australian exams recently. Came back with a lot of good-As.

Katie presses a drum key on her keyboard. One laugh from the back of the audience.

Katie:               Ok. And now a song.

Katie presses a sample button on the keyboard and starts playing badly. Even more badly than before now she only has one hand.

Katie:               I am mostly armless.

I am mostly armless.

I am mostly armless.

Unless I’m trying to be cleaver.

Katie stops playing and looks around.

Katie:               Too soon? Too soon.

Pause.

Katie presses a sample button on her keyboard. Sid marches on stage and tries to take the mic. She pushes Sid away. He falls off the stage. Katie begins to sing again. She gets increasingly hysterical.

Katie:               I am mostly armless.

I am mostly armless.

I am mostly armless.

I am mostly armless.

I am mostly armless.

I am mostly armless.

I am mostly armless.

I am mostly armless.

I am mostly armless.

I am mostly armless.

I am mostly armless.

I am mostly armless.

I am mostly armless.

I am mostly armless.

I am mostly armless.

Audience heckle under Katie’s singing. Shouts of ‘murdered’ and comments about killing Fanny and now killing the jokes. Katie continues on regardless. Louder and louder and louder. She is crying as she sings.

Blackout.

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