Chaz sits on a banged up brown corduroy couch in a scuzzy bed sit. He’s in his boxers, a baggy brown t-shirt and sports socks. He’s eating cereal out of a chipped stripey bowl while reading a copy of a tabloid newspaper.
The door opens.
Al walks in. He is wearing what looks like a green morph suit with ping pong balls attached at regular intervals. It even has a hood, and Al has carefully tucked all his hair in, and built in toes, so even his feet are covered. It’s not flattering and makes him walk stiffly. As he enters his is putting on matching green gloves.
Al: Morning Chazmus.
Chaz: Morning Alanis.
Al sits down next to Chaz. He reaches for the newspaper.
Al: Lemme have a look at that, will you?
Chaz: Oi you no what the fuck are you wearing-
Chaz sits back from Al on the sofa so he can get a better look at what Chaz is wearing.
Chaz: You look like a lint-covered condom.
Al: It’s the Emperor suit.
Chaz: As in, new clothes? As in, you aren’t wearing any? I can see your-
Al: It’s the next gen of fashion as life.
Chaz: Right. Going down the cornershop like that, are you?
Al: No need.
Chaz: You won’t be saying that when you realise I’ve eaten all the Krispies and there’s no milk left.
Al: Won’t I now?
Chaz: I don’t know? Won’t you? When you go green do you also go vegan?
Al: Maybe, Chazzy baby, maybe.
Chaz: You’re bloody chipper for a man in head to toe lycra.
Al: That’s because this suit will allow me to be virtually, who ever I want to be.
Chaz: I’d like it if you could be Angelina Jolie.
Al: No you pill. Not like that. Like a better version of me, but in a virtual world.
Chaz: Who’s want to be a better version of you?
Al: I would. God you’re a cunt.
Chaz: You’ve got a cunt. Either that or you’ve got some serious camel toe going on.
Al: Shut the fuck up. Look.
Al pick up the remote and pressed the button to switch on the TV. Both me stare forward at the audience as if watching a TV.
The ‘screen’ casts a light on them both. They lean forward, peering at the picture.
Chaz: Where are we? On the screen.
Al: That’s our flat.
Chaz looks round.
Chaz: Like fuck it is.
Al: It’s our virtual flat.
Chaz: But it’s lush. And massive.
Chaz jumps up and walks behind the sofa. He looks at the screen and sort of dances about. Al looks over his shoulder at Chaz.
Al: Have you finished?
Chaz: I don’t know. Have I?
Al: Sit down, you knobber.
Chaz tumbles over the back of the sofa and maneuvers himself back to sitting.
Chaz: And who’s that?
Al: That’s me?
Chaz looks at Al and then back at the screen.
Chaz: No bloody way.
Al: Look closer. Look at the teeth.
Chaz gets up and moves closer to the screen.
Chaz: Bloody hell. The chipped tooth from that time in Hull.
Chaz: Actually, the more I look, it is you. But a prettier version of you.
Chaz: Like, you’re attractive.
Chaz: But why are you wearing budgie smugglers.
Al: They make me happy.
Chaz: They’re putting me off my Krispies.
Al: They are showing off my thigh.
Chaz: You’re fake thighs.
Al: You’re just jealous.
Chaz: Yeah, gutted I’m not sitting in my shithole of a flat dressed like a mutant runner bean.
Al: But look.
Chaz watched the screen.
Chaz: What are those hearts? And the smiley faces?
Al: People. Other people. Who are on Emperors Network.
Chaz: So people can see you?
Chaz: So can they see me?
Chaz leaps up and starts dancing faux-seductively at the screen.
Al: Stop that. You’re making people send vomit emojis.
Chaz: Then change out of your tiny trunks.
Al waves the remote. Chaz stops dancing and sits down.
Chaz: That’s better. Sort of. Though I never saw you as a tank top man.
Al: That’s because you’ve never seen me Emperor before.
Al: And the upside? We will never have to go clothes shopping every again!
Chaz: At least not until your crotch has worn away rubbing on your balls.
Al: The Emperor network is designed to let you lead your everyday life virtually. I can even go to work. Look.
Al presses a button on his remote.
Chaz: Where’s that?
Al: Only my new friggin virtual office. Hi Simone!
Al waves. Chaz waves too, awkwardly.
Chaz: Hi Simone.
Chaz grabs the remote from Al and switches off the telly. He swivels himself on the sofa to face Al.
Chaz: Look, Al. I know you’ve been lonely since. Well since SHE left. But. Have you considered. Maybe you should. Just. Go out. Meet some real people.
Al: This is it, Chaz. This is me. Going out. Meeting real people. Everyone on here is real.
Chaz: It’s all fake though, isn’t it.
Al: Is it? Is it any more fake than girls putting on makeup or getting bigger tits or blokes putting on dresses on a Friday night. Everything we wear is just fancy dress. You weren’t born wearing your dad’s drawers and a t-shirt you found in a broom closet at a Warehouse party in 1997. While you were battered off your tits, I might add.
Chaz crosses his arms. He is now distinctly uncomfortable.
Al: Look, mate. We can be the people we want to be on here. We can be Emperors.
Chaz: Emper-errors, more like. [robot voice] 404 reset human.
Al: No. Emperors. We don’t need actual clothes or lives any more. We can reset whenever and be what we want to be to who we want to be. The social network goes IRL. Sort of.
Chaz: Does it do… you know… ummm… dating…?
Al: Oh. Oh… I assume so…
Chaz: Oh… Oh-kay…
Al is already sitting down in his suit. Chaz comes in carrying two mugs of tea. He is now in a blue Emperor suit.
Chaz hands a mug to Al.
Chaz: Here you go Alando.
Al: Mucho gracias Chazmundo.
Chaz sits down on the sofa slurping his tea.
Al: Right, where were we.
Chaz: Sorting out my appearance.
Al: Yeah. So… what do you think?
Chaz: Great. Really like the pectorals. But one thing.
Chaz: Can we make ‘it’ bigger?
Al: Like how much bigger?
Chaz: About the same size as yours, but with a bit more… girth?
Al presses some buttons on the remote.
Al: Like this?
Chaz: That’s crackin that is.
Al takes a bit slurp of tea, and puts his mug down.
Al: You ready then mate?
Chaz: Ready as I’ll ever be, Al.
Chaz put his mug down next to the couch.
Chaz: Ready. One. Two. Three. Go!
Both men quickly stand up.
Al / Chaz: Right then ladies comes and get it.
They shake their hips about. There is giggling from the telly. Chaz and Al begin to move their hips rhythmically. There are groans and moans and ‘oh-my-god-yesses’ from the TV.
Chaz: Oh yeah baby. Yeah.
Both men are now clearly having sex in virtual world.
Chaz: [gasping] Al mate?
Al: [gasping] Yes mate?
Chaz: This is fucking epic.
Chaz throw up his hands in the air as he thrusts his hips forward.
Al: I’m the fucking Emperor!
The sounds of fucking get louder. The two men are lit from the TV. Expressions of bliss on their face.