The Twitter enter, all on their mobile phones, faces lit from below.

 

The Twitter:

So woke
Flat broke
Keyboard warrier
Armchair worrior
Nothing less sincere
Basic bitches
Social media phwoar

WHAT?!

Click to play…

Schoffie’s GAY?!

 

Schoffie enters.

 

Schoffie:

My friends

Come gather round me

Hear my news

Oh, how it will astound thee

You never know what’s going on

In someone’s perfect life

What demons they are struggling with

Or what toil or strife

Or how the pain has consumed me for years

My mind has been ate up

By all these hellish fears

With the strength and support of my wife and child,

I have been coming to terms

With the fact that I am gay.

This has caused many heart-break

Torn my family apart.

But I can no longer deny

The wishes of my heart

 

The Tweeters gasp.

 

Beat.

 

Hayley enters, followed by a camera crew.

 

The Tweeters push on a large red sofa and disappear behind it.

 

Hayley:

I have never been more proud

Of my friend

Than I am today.

 

Schoffie:

Hayley,

My darling girl.

 

Hayley:

How does this

Moment feel?

 

Schoffie:

It’s funny because

Everyone I’ve spoken to

Has been so supportive

So loving and caring.

 

My entire family

have grabbed us

And loved us

And said it’s okay

We love you

We’re proud of you.

 

With every person I tell

It gets little lighter

And lighter

And lighter

And lighter

And lighter

And lighter

And lighter

 

Hayley:

We love you

We’re proud of you.

 

Schoffie:

But at the same time

I have made this decision

It’s essential for my head

And that’s principally the reason

That I’ve done this.

To be lighter

And lighter

And lighter

And lighter

 

Hayley:

We love you

We’re proud of you.

 

Schoffie:

So yeah

I feel a lighter

but I’m also very aware

There is no question

Of pain and upset.

 

Hayley:

You’ve been very open and honest

With your wife all the way.

 

Schoffie:

I have no secrets

From our wedding day.

 

Hayley:

How is she coping?

 

Schoffie:

It’s been quite some time

But she’ll be fine.

I’ve had to deal with this in my head

For quite some time.

And so we’ve gone through this

Together

Husband and Wife

Honest and open.

You can’t fix what’s broken.

She is amazing.

She’s incredible.

There’s no one in my life,

Who would have supported me as a wife,

The way she has supported me.

She’s astonishing.

I love her

I’m proud of her.

 

Hayley:

We love you

We’re proud of you.

I guess they’ll be people watching

Wondering why

Why is this the moment?

 

Schoffie:

Ahhhhh

What a good question.

It’s consumed my head

And has become an issue

I got to the stage where I thought,

We sit here, every day,

And some amazingly brave,

incredible person

Telling their story and thinking

And I’m thinking:

OMG you’re so brave.

And I’m thinking:

I have to be that person.

All you can be is honest with yourself.

And I was getting to the point

Where I knew I wasn’t being honest with myself.

I was getting to the point

Where I didn’t like myself

Because I wasn’t being honest with myself.

And so, when is the right time?

As a family, it is the right time.

And I’m thinking:

OMG you’re so brave.

And I’m thinking:

I have to be that person

 

Hayley:

We love you

We’re proud of you.

 

Schoffie:

And I’m thinking:

OMG you’re so brave.

And I’m thinking:

I have to be that person

 

Hayley:

We love you

We’re proud of you.

 

Schoffie:

And I’m thinking:

OMG you’re so brave.

And I’m thinking:

I have to be that person

I’m lighter

And lighter

And lighter

And lighter

So much lighter

 

Hayley:

There would be many

Who wouldn’t have that courage

Who wouldn’t live their truth.

 

Schoffie:

Around the world,

People of this country,

People watching us.

We always say

Live you truth.

Tell someone.

 

Holly:

They will love you

They will be proud of you

 

Schoffie:

Believe what we say,

We say it a lot,

Talk to someone.

It’s brought me back from the brink.

Talking saves you.

You have to discuss it.

With friends,

With family,

With my wife,

We’ve talked

And talked.

 

Hayley:

It’s really important to stress

That you haven’t had

Your hand forced here.

 

Schoffie:

No-yes

It’s all my own decision.

Absolutely my decision.

Completely mine.

 

Hayley:

No-yes

It’s all your own decision.

Absolutely your decision.

Completely yours

And yours alone.

 

Hayley/Schoffie together:

No-yes

It’s all your own decision/It’s all my own decision.

Absolutely your decision/Absolutely my decision.

Completely yours/Completely mine.

And yours alone/And mine alone.

 

Schoffie:

I don’t know

What the world will think,

I don’t know

What people will say,

I am very conscious of the hurt,

And conscious of the pain

And the guilt.

 

Hayley:

You can’t change

Who you are.

 

Schoffie:

I will sit here and say

I’m loud and proud today.

 

Hayley:

You should be.

Loud and proud today.

 

Hayley pins a rainbow medal on to Schoffie chest.

 

Schoffie:

Love will remain

Despite the heartbreak

And the pain

 

Schoffie/Hayley:

Love will remain

Despite the heartbreak

And the pain

 

Hayley:

Who knows what

The future holds.

I just wanted to kind of ask…

Are you looking forward to it?

Are you thinking

What that might be?

Can you even let your head

Go to future relationships?

 

Hayley and Schoffie freeze.

 

The Twitter pop up from behind the sofa.

 

They audibly gasp.

 

Beat.

 

[Under the following the sofa splits. Hayley and the camera crew are swept off to exit. Schoffie is pushed between the Twitter.]

 

The Twitter:

He’s gay

Hooray

Schoffie is gay

Laughing ha ha

Chaffing aha

Schoffie is gay

 

I was

more shocked

when he

came out

as a

Tory

Imbe-

Cile

 

I’ve been waiting for him

to come out the closet

since he was in the broom cupboard

 

I heart you Schoffie

All our love

Kiss kiss

He’s gay

Hooray

Schoffie is gay

Laughing ha ha

Faffing lala

Schoffie is gay

 

Schoffie:

I don’t know

What the world will think,

I don’t know

What people will say,

I am very conscious of the hurt,

And conscious of the pain

And the guilt.

 

The Twitter:

We love you Schoffie

We love you Schoffie

I loathe Schoffie

We love you Schoffie

 

I’m onboard

With his outing

Here’s my calendar

Of him pouting

 

He’s a fag

He’s a fag

He’s a fag

He’s a fag

I always knew he was a fag

He’s a mutha fucking fag

 

But what about the wife?

 

What about the wife?

 

What about the wife?

 

What about the wife?

 

If he’d gone off

With a young woman

We’d all bay for blood.

But as he’s come out gay

That’s good

And he’s not a cunting sod.

 

Beat.

 

The Twitter:

He’s gay

Hooray

Schoffie is gay

Laughing ha ha

Gaffing cha-cha

Schoffie is gay

 

But what about the wife?

 

Mrs Schoffie enters. She takes Schoffies hands in hers.

 

Mrs Schoffie:

I love Schoffie,

As much today

As every other day

and I always will.

 

I, the wife,

Oh a pain so deep

Abandon rest

Forsaken sleep

But I will stay

I will still be there

Holding your hand.

I will show no fear

Everyone should be proud

To live their own truth.

 

But as I hold on

So I let go

Cut our hearts adrift

Lean in to woe

For my brave boy

My gay love

 

Schoffie:

I don’t know

What the world will think,

I don’t know

What people will say,

I am very conscious of the hurt,

And conscious of the pain

And the guilt.

 

Mrs Schoffie:

I love Schoffie,

As much today

As every other day

and I always will

But as I hold on

So I let go

 

Mrs Schoffie gives Schoffie a peck on the cheek. She runs a hand over his face, before walking away.

 

The Twitter watches.

 

Schoffie:

And so she goes…

 

The Twitter:

And now she goes

 

He’s gay

Hooray

Schoffie is gay

Laughing ha ha

Faffing lala

Schoffie is gay

 

But why?

Why?

Why?

Did he lie?

Lie?

Lie?

 

Enter Bloomberg.

 

Bloomberg:

Because of me.

His hand was forced

I made up his mind

Threatened to publish

And so the story unwinds

For I am the press

The villain of his peace

With endless gaping voids to fill

May News never cease

Greed and vanity, my trade

And Schoffie had the limelight made

So off the pedestal he came

Let’s heap upon him heaps of shame

 

The Twitter:

Like what?

 

Bloomberg:

The teenage runner

Old Bean

 

The Twitter:

Like what?

 

Bloomberg:

The video’d dates

With lovely men

 

The Twitter:

Like what?

 

Bloomberg:

And you should have seem

What he did

To that poor gopher…

 

The Twitter:

Nooooooooo!?

Oh, no sir

Not

To

That

Poor

Innocent

Gopher

 

Bloomberg:

Let’s hear it in

His own words

 

Bloomberg pulls a bedraggled squeaky gopher puppet from his pocket.

 

Gopher:

Squeak squeek

Squeak squeak squeak

Squeak squeak squeak squeek

Squeak squeak squeek

Squeak squeeksqueeksqueeksqueek

Squeak squeak squeak squeak

Squeak squeek

 

Squeak squeek

Squeak squeek

Squeak squeak squeak squeek

Squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak

Squeak squeak squeek

Squeak squeak squeek

 

Squeak squeek

Squeak squeek

Squeak squeek

Squeak squeak squeek

Squeak squeak squeek

Squeakkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk

Squeak squeak squeak squeek

Squeak squeak

Squeak squeak squeak squeak

 

Bloomberg fights to put a struggling Gopher back in his pocket.

 

The Twitter:

No.

How could he?

How could he?

No!

 

Bloomberg:

Yes.

 

Schoffie:

No!

I don’t know

What the world will think,

I don’t know

What people will say,

I am very conscious of the hurt,

And conscious of the pain

And the guilt.

But you can’t change

Who you are.

I’m loud

And I’m proud

And I am free.

Think what you like

Pile slander on me

For now I can be

Who I was meant to be.

 

A choir of cherubs appear.

 

Their light shines on Bloomberg and The Twitter snarl and shrink into the darkness.

 

The Virgin Mary, a tall man in drag with a beard, enters.

 

Schoffie:

Bless me virgin mother

For I have sinned

 

Virgin Mary:

Oooooooooooooooo

Schoffie

Oooooooooooooooo

My child

Come into the arms

Of your Virgin Mother mild

You are my darling

You are my child

And though you have sinned

Upon this earth

I release you

Embrace rebirth

I and my angels

Bring you joy

Fuck the press

The modern noise

For happiness

Is fleeting

And love

Dies in the moment

And large cocks are for eating

So let’s make hay

While the sunshines

 

Cherubs:

For happiness

Is fleeting

And love

Dies in the moment

And large cocks are for eating

So let’s make hay

While the sunshines

 

Virgin Mary / Cherubs:

You can’t change

Who you are

Love will remain

Despite the heartbreak

And the pain

You’re lighter

And lighter

And lighter

And lighter

So much lighter

We love you

We’re proud of you

We’re thinking:

OMG you’re so brave.

We’re thinking:

You have to be that person

You can’t change

Who you are

Love will remain

Despite the heartbreak

And the pain

You’re lighter

And lighter

And lighter

And lighter

So much lighter

We love you

We’re proud of you

 

Virgin Mary:

I love Schoffie,

As much today

As every other day

and I always will

But as I hold on

So I let go

 

Schoffie/Virgin Mary:

You can’t change

Who you are

Love will remain

Despite the heartbreak

And the pain

 

Schoffie:

I’m lighter

And lighter

And lighter

And lighter

So much lighter

I’m thinking:

OMG I’m so brave.

I’m thinking:

I have to be that person

And I’m lighter

And lighter

And lighter

And lighter

And lighter

And lighter

And lighter

So much lighter

And lighter

And lighter

And lighter

And lighter

And lighter

And lighter

 

Schoffie starts to rise into the air, surrounds by the cherubs. Virgin Mary watches him go…

 

Schoffie/Cherubs:

And lighter

And lighter

And lighter

And lighter

And lighter

And lighter

And lighter

And lighter

And lighter

And lighter

And lighter

And lighter

And lighter

And lighter

And lighter

And lighter

And lighter

And lighter

So much light

So much light

So much light

 

Enter Bloomberg, Hayley, Mrs Schoffie and the Twitter.

 

All:

And now he’s lighter

Above us all

Released from sin

Who amoung us would

Cast the first stone

For as we’re born

We die alone

And gossips

And the trolls

And the plainest tongue that wags

Can all go rot in hell because

They are all ugly slags

 

Mrs Schoffie/Virgin Mary:

You can’t change

Who you are

Love will remain

Despite the heartbreak

And the pain

 

All:

And all the biggots

All the hags

All the comments

All the trash

We deny it

Colour our pain

Drive truth deeper

Again and again

 

Schoffie:

I love you all.

 

All:

We love you Schoffie.

Take care.

Find a gay life

Free from the media

And the mediocre

Goodbye Schoffie

Goodbye.

 

Schoffie flies upwards, into the gods.

 

All wave him goodbye.

 

A cherub flies across the stage, followed by a rainbow.

 

Lights fade.

 

Blackout.