The pitch I would have done for @Raindance if I could see or speak or stand up…

Hi. My name is Sarah Mann and I make my living building those annoying adverts that pop up over your email when you are trying to read it.

Before I get on with my pitch, I’d like to run some personal ads by you. These are apparently the funniest personal ads EVER (according to a random internet forum).

“All humans are 99.9% genetically identical,so don’t even think of ending any potential relationship begun here with ‘I just don’t think we have enough in common’. Science has long since proven that I am the man for you (41, likes to be referred to as ‘Wing Commander’ in the bedroom). Box no. 3501.”
“If clumsy, unfeeling lust is your bag, write to the ad above. Otherwise write to me, mid-forties M with boy next door looks, man from U.N.C.L.E. charm, and Fresh Prince of Bel Air casual insouciance. Wikky wikky wick yo. Box no. 2851.”
“Bitter, prematurely middle aged loser, makes living watching paint dry, wallowing in an unending sea of inert, drooping loneliness, not looking for anyone because there is simply no point. I’m fine. Good GSOH. Don’t send letter with photo to Box no. 3579. I won’t look at it.”

The last was posted about Ben by Aaron, as a hilarious practical joke. Ben didn’t find this massively funny though everything in this personal ad is basically true and word-for-word what Ben has said on occasion to Aaron in the pub after a busy day actually watching paint dry.

Ben lives in a world where there is literally no space for people. Being alone is a commodity. But Ben inherited a flat. And he loves his space. He wants to be alone. The worst thing that could happen to him is someone moving in.

So when he discovers there is a girl living in his cupboard what does he do?
Let’s her stay. And that’s when Ben’s quiet, ordered world is destroyed. But it’s only when he finally kicks her out, that his life falls apart.

This is a film called Cupboard Love. I’m Sarah Mann. Thank you and good night.

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