CAST:

Alice

Harriet

Phil

Toby

Kittens

SCENE 1:

A SWEET SHOP – AFTERNOON

ALICE JONES is arguing with computer programmer HARRIET. ALICE tries to hug HARRIET but she shakes her off.

ALICE

Please Harriet, don’t leave me.

HARRIET

I’m sorry Alice, but I’m looking for somebody a bit more brave. Somebody who faces her fears head on, instead of running away.

ALICE

I’d do anything for you Harriet!

HARRIET

Then stop running away from life!

ALICE

Anything but that-

HARRIET frowns.

HARRIET

I’m sorry, Alice. I just don’t feel excited by this relationship anymore.

HARRIET leaves.

ALICE sits down, looking defeated.

Moments later, painter SIR PHIL PITT barges in looking flustered.

ALICE

Goodness, Phil! Is everything okay?

PHIL

I’m afraid not.

ALICE

What is it? Don’t keep me in suspense…

PHIL

It’s … an alien … I saw an evil alien terrify a bunch of kittens!

ALICE

Defenseless kittens?

PHIL

Yes, defenseless kittens!

ALICE

Bloomin’ heck, Phil! We’ve got to do something.

PHIL

I agree, but I wouldn’t know where to start.

ALICE

You can start by telling me where this happened.

PHIL

I was…

PHIL fans himself and begins to wheeze.

ALICE

Focus Phil, focus! Where did it happen?

PHIL

The supermarket! That’s right – thesupermarket!

ALICE springs up and begins to run.

BLACKOUT.

SCENE 2:

A ROAD – SAME AFTERNOON.

ALICE rushes along the street, followed by PHIL. They are jumping fences to reach the supermarket.

SCENE 3:

THE SUPERMARKET – SHORTLY AFTER

TOBY, a forgetful alien, terrorises two kittens.

ALICE, closely followed by PHIL, rushes towards TOBY, but suddenly stops in her tracks.

PHIL

What is is? What’s the matter?

ALICE

That’s not just any old alien, that’s Toby Thornhill!

PHIL

Who’s Toby?

ALICE

Who’s Toby? Who’s Toby!? Only the most forgetful alien in the universe!

PHIL

Blinkin’ knickers, Alice! We’re going to need some help if we’re going to stop the most forgetful alien in the universe!

ALICE

You can say that again.

PHIL

Blinkin’ knickers, Alice! We’re going to need some help if we’re going to stop the most forgetful alien in the universe!

ALICE

I’m going to need candlesticks, lots of candlesticks.

Toby turns and sees Alice and Phil. He grins an evil grin.

TOBY

Who are you and why do you stop me terrifying these… these… small furry quadrupeds!?

ALICE

Alice Jones… we’re long time foes…

TOBY

Really?! Alice Jones, we meet again.

PHIL

You’ve met?

TOBY

Apparently… I don’t suppose…?

ALICE

(deep sigh)

It was a long, long time ago…

SCENE 4:

FLASHBACK: A PARK – BACK IN TIME

A young ALICE is sitting in a park listening to some trance music, when suddenly a dark shadow casts over her.

She looks up and sees TOBY. She takes off her headphones.

TOBY

Would you like some meatloaf?

ALICE’s eyes light up, but then he studies TOBY more closely, and looks uneasy.

ALICE

I don’t know, you look kind of forgetful.

TOBY

Me? No. I’m not forgetful, Eric-

ALICE

Alice-

TOBY

-Alice. I’m the least forgetful alien in the world.

ALICE

Wait, you’re a alien?

ALICE runs away, screaming.

FLASHBACK ENDS.

SCENE 5:

THE SUPERMARKET – PRESENT DAY

TOBY

i knew it! You were a coward then, and you are a coward now.

PHIL

You ran away?

ALICE

I was a young child. What was I supposed to do?

ALICE turns to TOBY.

ALICE

I may have run away from you then, but I won’t run away this time!

ALICE runs away.

She turns back and shouts.

ALICE

I mean, I am running away, but I’ll be back – with candlesticks.

TOBY

I’m not scared of you. Whoever you are!

ALICE

You should be.

BLACKOUT.

SCENE 6:

BACK AT THE SWEET SHOP – LATER THAT DAY

ALICE and PHIL walk around searching for something.

ALICE

I feel sure I left my candlesticks somewhere around here.

PHIL

Are you sure? It does seem like an odd place to keep deadly candlesticks.

ALICE

You know nothing Phil Pitt.

PHIL

We’ve been searching for ages. I really don’t think they’re here.

Suddenly, TOBY appears, holding a pair of candlesticks.

TOBY

Looking for something?

PHIL

Crikey, Alice, he’s got your candlesticks!

TOBY

Ah, yes, you were looking for your candlesticks. These candlesticks.

ALICE

Tell me something I don’t already know.

PHIL

The earth’s circumference at the equator is about 40,075 km.

ALICE

I know that already!

PHIL

I’m afraid of sausages.

TOBY

Remind me, what are sausages?

PHIL

Offal based meat product. Shaped like a human… thingy.

TOBY

Ah I do love a grilled human thingy… Almost as much as I love meatloaf.

While TOBY is distracted by PHIL, ALICE lunges forward and grabs her deadly candlesticks. She wields them, triumphantly.

ALICE

Prepare to die, you forgetful turnip!

TOBY

No please! All I did was terrify a bunch of kittens!

HARRIET enters, unseen by any of the others.

ALICE

I cannot tolerate that kind of behaviour! Those kittens were defenceless! Well now they have a defender – and that’s me! Alice Jones defender of innocent kittens.

TOBY

Don’t hurt me! Please!

ALICE

Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use these candlesticks on you right away!

TOBY

Because Alice, I am your father.

ALICE looks stunned for a few moments, but then collects herself.

ALICE

No you’re not!

TOBY

Ah well, it had to be worth a try.

TOBY tries to grab the candlesticks but ALICE dodges out of the way.

ALICE

Who’s the daddy now? Huh? Huh?

TOBY

Did I already try to use the ‘it’s me’ line?

ALICE

Yes.

TOBY

Damn.

Unexpectedly, TOBY slumps to the ground.

PHIL

Did he just faint?

ALICE

I think so. Well that’s disappointing. I was rather hoping for a more dramatic conclusion, involving my deadly candlesticks.

ALICE crouches over TOBY’s body.

PHIL

Be careful, Alice. It could be a trick.

ALICE

No, it’s not a trick. It appears that… It would seem… Toby is dead!

ALICE

What?

ALICE

Yes, it appears that I scared him to death.

PHIL claps his hands.

PHIL

So your candlesticks did save the day, after all.

HARRIET steps forward.

HARRIET

Is it true? Did you kill the alien?

ALICE

Harriet how long have you been…?

HARRIET

Long enough.

ALICE

Then you saw it for yourself. I killed Toby Thornhill.

HARRIET

Then the kittens are safe?

ALICE

It does seem that way!

A crowd of vulnerable kittens enter, looking relived.

HARRIET

You’re a hero.

The kittens bow to ALICE.

ALICE

There is no need to bow to me. I seek no worship. The knowledge that Toby will never terrify kittens ever again, is enough for me.

HARRIET

You are humble as well as brave!

One of the kittens passes ALICE a meatloaf.

HARRIET

I think they want you to have it, as a symbol of their gratitude.

ALICE

I couldn’t possibly.

Pause.

ALICE

Well, if you insist.

ALICE takes the meatloaf.

ALICE

Thank you.

The kittens bow their heads once more, and leave.

ALICE turns to HARRIET.

ALICE

Does this mean you want me back?

HARRIET

Oh, Alice, of course I want you back!

ALICE smiles for a few seconds, but then looks defiant.

ALICE

Well you can’t have me.

HARRIET

WHAT?

ALICE

You had no faith in me. You had to see my scare a alien to death before you would believe in me. I don’t want a lover like that.

HARRIET

But…

ALICE

Please leave. I want to spend time with the one person who stayed with me through thick and thin – my best friend, Phil.

PHIL grins.

HARRIET

But…

PHIL

You heard the lady. Now be off with you. Skidaddle! Shoo!

HARRIET

Alice?

ALICE

I’m sorry Harriet, but I think you should skidaddle.

HARRIET leaves.

PHIL turns to ALICE.

PHIL

Did you mean that? You know … that I’m your best friend?

ALICE

Of course you are!

The two walk off arm in arm.

Suddenly PHIL stops.

PHIL

When I said I’m afraid of sausages, you know I was just trying to distract the alien don’t you?

Blackout.