Cast.

 

Danny

Gracie Fields

Louis Armstrong

Kenneth Williams

Keith Richards

 

Scene.

 

The beach of a small island. Water laps at the sand. There is a dense forest at the edge of the beach.

 

All is very peaceful.

 

There is a faint whistling sound.

The whistling sound gets louder.

A body fall from nowhere and lands with a thump, face down on the sand. It has a parachute attached to it which clearly hasn’t opened properly.

The body lies still.

Louis Armstrong, Gracie Fields and Kenneth Williams all slowly creep out of the bushes. They are dressed in ragged clothing and makeshift weapons. They approach the body.

 

Gracie signals the others to stay back as bends down and prods the body with her weapon. Nothing happens. Gracie straightens up and signals for Louis and Ken to approach. They all stand over the body, looking down for it.

 

Louis: Dead?

Gracie: Looks like it.

Louis: Shame.

 

Pause.

 

Louis: Should we go through his pockets for luxury items?

 

Pause.

 

All three spring into action and start searching the body. There is nothing to be found.

 

Gracie: Bugger.

Ken: I wish, oooo errrrr.

Gracie: Leave it off Kenneth.

Ken: I’ve never left it on.

Louis: We should report back.

Gracie: Righto.

 

They turn and start walking back up the beach.

The body coughs and starts to try to get up.

Gracie, Louis and Kenneth all freeze and slowly turn around.

The body stands up, brushing sand off himself.

He turns and see the three of them looking at him across the sand.

He waves.

 

Beat.

 

They all wave back.

 

Beat.

 

Danny: Hey.

Louis: Hey…

Danny: How are you doing?

 

The three exchange looks.

Danny takes a couple of steps towards them.

He holds out his hand.

 

Danny: Hi, I’m Danny. Nice to meet you.

 

The three exchange another look.

Louis steps forward. Shakes Danny’s hand.

 

Louis: Louis, but you can call me Satchmo. These are my colleagues, Gracie Fields and Kenneth Williams.

 

Danny shakes Gracie and then Ken’s hand.

 

Ken: Very nice to meet you Danny.

Danny: Yes.

 

Pause.

 

Danny: Can I ask a question?

 

Louis nods.

 

Danny: Where am I?

Louis: You don’t know?

Danny: Well, one minute I was handing Lauren Laverne her soya skinny decaf grande latte and the next-

 

Danny indicates the sand.

 

Gracie: You handed Lauren Laverne a soya skinny decaf grande latte?

Danny: Yes.

Gracie: Then that’s why your here.

Danny: I’m not following-

Gracie: So you’re what, a engineer or-

Danny: An intern..

Ken: First day on the job?

Danny: Second.

Gracie: And you handed Lauren Laverne a soya skinny decaf grande latte?

Danny: Yes.

Louis: She takes her coffee soya extra shot grande latte. No skinny. No decaf.

Danny: So?

Ken: You’re the third one like you we’ve had this year.

Louis: She’s got you thrown on the island.

Danny: What island?

Louis: This island.

Ken: The eponymous island.

 

Beat.

 

Ken: Desert Island Discs.

Danny: But it’s not a real island.

Gracie: Oh blimey, isn’t it? Shut that door, what the hell am I standing on? Oh, a bloody desert island.

Danny: Am I dead?

Ken: A couple of days with this lot and you might wish you were.

Danny: Or maybe this is a dream?

Gracie: Sorry, love, but you pissed Kirsty Young right off and she had you dumped on this island.

Louis: It’s where they send all the guests who they think are-

Ken: Dicks.

Gracie: And he knows a dick when he sees on.

 

Pause.

 

Danny: Who else is here?

Gracie: Pretty much everyone who has ever been on the show.

Danny: That’s over 70 years of people.

Louis: Yes.

Danny: On this tiny island?

Gracie: Yes.

Danny: Isn’t it a bit crowded?

Gracie: Of course it is. There’s over 3,000 people on an area half the size of the Rochdale.

Danny: And everyone is here?

Gracie: Well, apart from those who have tried to make their way back to Blighty.

Louis: That Stephen Fry fellow set off about 5 years ago.

Ken: Never been seen since.

Danny: I wondered why he stopped presenting QI.

Ken: Apparently there’s a contractual clause that is you get back to Bush House, the BBC have to give you a job.

Danny: Who else is here?

Ken: Well, us three, obviously.

Louis: Oh, let me see… Celie Johnson, David Attenborough, David Beckham, Stephen Hawking-

Gracie: But you we haven’t heard or seen him for a while. We think his chair ran out of battery on the other side of the island.

Ken: That Cleese thing. Keeps shouting don’t mention the war and something about a parrot. It’s not funny.

Louis: Jeremy Deller arrived recently. Apparently he’s some sort of a modern artist.

Gracie: Apparently Alfred Hitchcock is on the island, but we’ve only ever seen his shadow.

Ken: Some man called Simon Cowell just sits and stares at himself in a mirror all day.

Gracie: George Formby’s here n’ all. Bloody Formby. That ukulele-

Louis: Easy Gracie… It’s a banjolele-

Gracie: You can shut up n all. I never thought I’d be relieved to see a cheetah eat a trumpet.

Ken: Well, at least we always know where the cheetah is now. I do like a fierce beast with a horn.

Danny: Is that sailor-

Ken: Sailor-

Danny: Ellen McCather here-

Ken: Oh. Yes. You’d think 3,000 copies of the Complete Works of Shakespeare and she’d be able to make a raft of something, but no.

Louis: Princess Michael of Kent arrived with her cat, but that didn’t last long.

Danny: It died?

No. She ate it.

Danny: What else is there to eat?

 

The three exchange looks.

 

Gracie: Gary Glitter.
Danny: You ate Gary Glitter?

Louis: No!

Ken: They came and took him away.

Gracie: The bugger went to prison.
Danny: Of course.

Louis: No. We did not eat Gary Glitter. That would be ridiculous.

Gracie: We ate Enoch Powell.

Ken: It’s safe to say, Morrissey is no longer vegan.

Louis: There in his comfy bed with lots of pillows, literally soaked in “rivers of blood’.

Danny: So you’ve all gone… feral?

Gracie: Bless you, no.

Louis: We rounded up all the politicians and put them in a cage. For everyone’s safety.

Ken: That’s Thatcher woman got very annoyed about locked up. “No one puts the Iron Lady behind bars.”

Gracie: And we’ve not eaten hardly any of them.

 

Keith Richards staggers onto the beach. He is missing both arms.

 

Danny: Is that-

Gracie: Keith Richards.

Danny: Where’s his arms?

Louis: In Johnny Vegas. Man’s a card sharp.

Danny: How can you live like this?

Louis: Survival… And trees of green.

Gracie: Don’t start Louis.

Keith: Hello there-

Louis / Gracie / Ken: Hello.

Keith: New one?

Danny: Danny-

Louis: Another intern-

Danny: Nice to meet you Mr Richards. How are you?

Keith: It’s great to be here. It’s great to be anywhere. Hard to play the guitar though.

Gracie: Keith, what are you doing here?

Keith: Oh. Message.

 

Beat.

 

Ken: Yes?

Keith: No. It’s gone. Yes. Got it. We’re out of interns.

Danny: What?

Keith: Yeah, man. We’ve eaten all the intern.

Ken: Ixnay on the internay.

Gracie: Really Keith? How are you less coherent the more sober you get?

Keith: It’s a gift.

Gracie: Well time to replenish the fridge then.

 

The four turn on Danny.

 

Danny: What? No. You can’t eat me.

Louis: Why not?

Danny: Because people will be looking for me.

Louis: Have you ever heard of Judy Grinham?

Danny: Who?

Louis: Exactly. Been on the island since 1959.

Gracie: And she was a swimmer.

Ken: If she can’t make it off-

Louis: No one can.

Danny: I’m damn well going give it a go. Or die trying.

Ken: That would be a terrible waste.

Gracie: Go on then. Give it a go.

 

Danny lashes out. He punches Louis in the face.

 

Louis: My embouchure.

 

Danny trips up Keith Richard who falls on Kenneth Williams.

 

Ken: Get off get off get off get off-

 

Danny kicks sand in Gracie’s face and makes for the water.

 

Danny: Wish me luck as you wave me goodbye!

Gracie: Come back damn you, Danny!

 

Danny reaches the water and wades out [into the audience].

 

Gracie: Bugger.

Keith: What are we going to eat now?

Gracie: They’ll send another one in a week.

Louis: Until then?

Ken: Let me chose! I see myself as a roving mosquito, choosing it’s target.

Gracie: Jeffrey Archer?

 

They all nod in agreement.

They turn and walk back into the jungle.

 

‘By the Sleepy Lagoon’ fades up.

 

Lights fade to Blackout.